cheapseats

So I got to thinking not long after stepping down off of my soapbox about the college playoff and this is what I came up with:

Screw the BCS and its stupid selection show! If I can’t get college football playoff satisfaction in real life, well then I’ll just have to make it up!

So instead of BCS selection day, it’s just football’s Selection Sunday up here in the Cheap Seats.

After sitting through Terry Bradshaw, Kurt Menefee, Howie Long, Jimmy Johnson, Michael Strahan, Y.A Tittle, 15 3rd grade teachers, the head of the Teamsters and Chelsea Clinton get through the day’s NFL highlights, Fox butters up Barry Switzer and shoe horns him into the studio with the rest of the crew to release the FBS playoff selection.  The local fire marshall says two people have to go to keep in fire code. An American Idol - type vote takes place. Clinton and Tittle get the boot. Keep in mind, 11 of the 16 openings have already been filled. It’s really just a question of seeding and those 5 pesky at large bids.

Fox teases us with quick live look-ins at Buffalo, Florida, Utah and Texas as the teams wait to see when and where they will be playing. Fox goes to a commercial break in which Toyota finally beats me to the point where I decide to be ”Saved by Zero.”

Fox is back. Barry’s confused and keeps forgetting he’s on TV. You don’t notice because the leader of the Teamsters is hitting on two of those 3rd grade teachers. Either way, the show plods along with fake laughter and mumbling Barry until the seeds and games are released.

They start with the 8-9 game and what we commonly refer to as “mid-on-mid crime” in March happens in December:

(8) Utah v. (9) Boise State: 

Barry Switzer drools all over his tie while Jimmy Johnson makes another “you’re welcome for the Super Bowl ring” quip. Everyone analyzes the crap out the match up of two unbeaten teams too early in the tournament but says it should be the best game of the first round. The consensus is that Utah ekes it out on their home field based on being the higher seeded conference champion. (That’s right. First round games are played on campus just because it would be cool.) Barry Switzer says he likes falafel.

Moving on to the 7-10 game.

(7)Penn State v. (10)OhioState:

It’s a rematch of a game that was close the first time, but since Daryll Clark got hurt you can’t count on anything. Strahan makes a comment about how this is perfect because the Big Ten can’t beat anybody but themselves. Everybody laughs. Teamsters’ guy is discussing the social impact of Smokey and the Bandit to the teachers. Most have lost interest. The oldest single one is still fake laughing. Analysts remember that the sweater vest wins everything but post-season games and tabs Penn State and Joe-Pa as the favorite.

The show leads into its second commercial break with quick shots of Tim Tebow and his fake smile since he already knows where he’s going…Half the country breaks their telvisions and lights their hair on fire to prevent being “Saved by Zeeerrrroooo!”  

As the show comes back Barry Switzer is still trying to convince the staff that he honestly didn’t know that there was a fully loaded gun in his carry on!

The show drags on to the 6-11 match up:

(6) Texas Tech v. (11) Texas Christian: 

There’s some rambling on about this being the first matchup of two at large teams. There’s some more about two teams that are all offense and no defense. Strahan starts pointing at the camera and screaming “Take the over, baby! Take…the…over!!! Insert bad joke about Jimmy Johnson’s hair here.

The group moves along.

(5) USC v. (12) Cincinnati:

Jokes circle around about The Big East being “The Big Least.” There’s a contest with the 3rd grade teachers trying to write Cincinnati on a chalk board.  Only two get it right. Barry Switzer claims “he just doesn’t see any way that the Bearcats come away with a win here.” Everyone nods in shocking agreement at Barry’s incredibly valid point.

The second commercial break brings back John Mellencamp’s This is our Country ad for Chevy Trucks. The suicide rate in the country triples.

Back to the show and…

(4) Alabama v. (13) Virginia Tech:

Everybody praises Nick Saban’s work at ‘Bama and has completely forgotten that he has scumbagged his way out of countless coaching positions to get there. Good for him. Somebody makes a Bear Bryant reference.

(3) Texas v. (14) East Carolina:

An interview with Mac Brown reveals that he is just “thankful for the opportunity to be playing in such a great system.” Nobody gives Skip Holtz and ECU a chance.

A commercial break comes and goes with no car commercials. Those that are still alive celebrate with Champaign showers.

Up against the clock, the selection team gets right back to work.

(2) Oklahoma v. (15) Buffalo:

Camera crews show Turner Gill’s team going absolutely nuts. Turner gives his always classy interview and says that “UB will be ready to play and they are happy to be here.” Howie Long notes that Buffalo’s senior quarterback is so accurate he could throw one right between the gap in Michael’s teeth. Barry points at the OU logo and screams, “Hey!!! I used to coach there!!”

(1) Florida v. (16) Troy:

Jimmy Johnson isn’t entirely sure why they are even playing this game. To be honest, nobody is. Terry Bradshaw begins mumbling about teammates he had named 
Troy as the world yearns for one of those Barry Switzer comments that now just seems brilliant by comparison. 

Kurt Menefee begins to cry a little bit before recapping the seeds and games and reminds everyone that games will start the following Saturday. As the camera begins to pan away with credits rolling Terry yells out in his southern drawl, “Now don’t you guys think it would make so much more sense if we just had a bunch of computers and polls decide the top two teams are and just have them play?”

Everybody laughs…

…And we all throw up in our mouths just a bit…

Check back later this week to see what happens in the first round.

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